Under HIS Wings6's Blog

Psalm 91:4 HE shall cover you with HIS pinions and under HIS wings you shall trust and find refuge…

Confessions

on October 3, 2010

Confession: I have been wounded.
My heart cries out from a depth within me -a broken place – a place of humiliation, but brought to contriteness, formed from lies and accusations spoken into my heart by vain imaginings, lofty arguments, and false speakings of principalities who seek to make me less than what and who my Creator has declared over me. A woundedness has enveloped my soul and flooded it with anguish and despair. From a high and lofty position you might see one who is dwindling away in a silent mass of confusion and bitterness, but if only you would be willing to take a longer stance of prayer and seeking out Truth, and stop alienating me, would you see the wounded child who so longs to be lovely, humble and meek. If only your projections of self stopped flinging my way, might you find me, as I truly am. HIS child. HIS chosen one, called by HIM and sent forth. Would you deny HIM? You deny me. I am in HIM and HIM in me. I seek confidants who will not taint my dreams with their own misgivings and not see my deepest desires as repulsive. Ones who will lift me when I fall, and encourage me forward and not betray my confidence. I am not without sin, and my sin is not a dictation or a defining of who I am. There is nothing hidden in me except Christ and in HIM is where I hide. Simplicity and stability is all I seek and yet you want from me conformity to your thoughts of what appearances might be better appreciated or understood.

I have been wounded, but without it I might do the same to you, so silent sufferings quench my spirit, and merciless afflictions break my bones. My heart has been poured out and there is no basin to catch my tears- no shoulder to cry upon. Alone, however, in hopeful expectancy, waiting for HIM to arise in me and establish once and for all HIS acceptance and delight in me. A daughter of Zion. A Bride to the King of Kings. I am HIS and HE is mine. I have been wounded and yet there is HE who stands at my side drawing me forward, so this despair and weariness does not take me to a place of no return. Where is the love of my fellow man? The love of surrender and sacrifice even unto death. Who will accept this kind of love? There is a desperate wanting to give it, and having none to accept deepens my pain. Some say I am too weak, foolish, and questionable. Some say I am too strong and because this is so they find me obtrusive, defensive, and harsh. Some would find me needy and wanting and irritation sets their hearts ablaze with anger, while others proclaim me blessed beyond measure, and yet judgment befalls me by each passerby without the listening of my whispers. So a shout comes forth and the shouts are made to be anger, when a longing for peace is only being beckoned. Where is the Good Samaritan who might see the true need and act without hesitation? Will you be mine and let me be yours? Our we not lovely enough to love and to be loved? A Way has been made, and yet…ignored. There is one who was wounded long ago. HE knows the pain of false accusation and unrelenting beatings and yet the necessity found in it. HE knows the depths of our evil desires and yet still calls us lovely. Can we see HIM and draw HIM out of one another? HE is there with a longing to be realized.

I have been wounded and my innocence and identity tainted and yet in HIS love for me HE brings restoration through the bringing of others whose innocence also needs restored. I look toward the orphan and the fatherless and still am mocked by murderous groanings of those who wallow in their own self righteousness or self hatred. But this is where my strength is renewed and my wounds seem as nothing. Where are those who have the heart of a child wrapped in the Fathers love to bring deliverance to these little ones? Finding this one who is belittled and tossed aside as waste, and not worthy of love, and pulling him from a lifetime of pain and into one filled with hope and faith. I understand his pain. My heart hears the cries of the unborn child and those who are born in iniquity and lost to true love. Why do you mock me so when this is the opportunity given by GOD for HIS light to shine upon my darkness? Is it because you have not yet found HIS delight in giving to you your own hearts desires? Do you not know I would stand with you in your dreams? Maybe you have yet to realize HE has a dream for you too and so seeing me stand in mine offends you? Could it be conviction of seeing and knowing and not caring enough to make another’s life worth living? So my best brings disgust to to you because seemingly there is no man to stand with me. But I have been given the Fathers heart for these small ones. I have walked with HIM in the night seasons in loneliness and sorrow, crying out for these whose voice is unheard, and have danced with him on heavenly shores and seen the brightness of HIS smile as HE looks at me. But in a sense you are right-there is no man to stand with me- so I stand abandoned to GOD-waiting on these ones who will partner with me to give the least among us security and a sense of family and home. Where are the families who HE places the lonely in…have they walked across to the other side of the road? Will you leave me and these in our blood to die, while you enjoy parties, fellowships and family outings? Will you leave us sitting alone? Will you have mercy? We have need of you, and though you may not be aware, you have need of us. Why do you stand so far off? Maybe awareness of your own need frightens you. There is a joy we too could bring you.

I have been wounded but cannot deny that which has been given for the benefit of others. There is a refusal within in me to listen to the clamor of my soul, but only to HIS words. I recognize my wounds are now decades old, and they have made me who I am. With each turn of life yet another blow comes. The criticisms and lies spouted from those whose hands were meant to hold mine are but cast stones, and deserted I stand, my accusers all gone and a line drawn in the sand. Forgiven am I, and held by HIS great love. Yet my love for them grows stronger, knowing, that somewhere their own innocence has been violently snatched away by enemies whose goals are to stop their anointings from flowing freely from the heart of the Father. Can you hear me??? I love you! I love you from a place of testimony to the witness of those divine three wrapped in one as they have especially given me this love from a view of eternity. I will walk in the light I have been given, and each time rejected remember the stripes HE bore and the ridicule HE endured, and love all the more-even unto the death…I will not withhold my love…HIS love. And HE will restore to me the Joy of HIS salvation. This Balm of Gilead who seethes the wounds of my soul.

I have been wounded and found faithful by HIM. The Lord is my weakness – my desire is for HIM- without HIM in you I suffer great loss.

When you see me know that yes- I have been wounded-I may seem different, but it will not change who the great I AM says I am. My wounds will make HIS strength bring me from complacency to
confidence, from shamefulness to shamelessness, from mourning to dancing, from timidity to boldness, from weeping to singing, and from being alone to a place of oneness with the ONE WHO loves me.
Though, I have been wounded I stand acquitted and HIS love for me is an everlasting hope and comfort. I reach out to share it with you.

written by Cindy November 24th 2009 3:47 pm

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3 responses to “Confessions

  1. Marie says:

    Abandoned to the “Divine Three wrapped in One”…… Wow, Cindy. This is the most beautiful, sorrowful, word I have heard in a long while. Your wounds cry out in hope for those wounded like you. The depths of your woundedness is the measure of your great Love for the afflicted and suffering souls who have no earthly advocate. You are the chosen one, the river of life whose strength is found only in your Master who uses your voice to cry out for His children, who loves and heals them through you. You are the “voice of one crying out in the wilderness”. You are the oasis in this dark place. And the way will be prepared by the God who adores you.

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