Under HIS Wings6's Blog

Psalm 91:4 HE shall cover you with HIS pinions and under HIS wings you shall trust and find refuge…

Parenting From the Heart

on October 20, 2010

You ask your children over and over to do the same things, only to get the same results.  Ever had a disagreement with your child and feel like a loser when the conversation is over?  Do you feel like there is never any breakthrough in helping your child to see what seems should be the logical choice to you?  Stop.  Take a minute.  Rewind.  Unwind.  Children do not think logically.  First they feel, and then they react.

Scenario 1 You tell your child, “I need you to clean your room before we leave the house today.  We are leaving at 1:00pm. for an appointment.  IF you get done you can go, if not, you will not get to go with me”  You remind your child two or three times throughout the morning of the time.  At 12:45 you say, “I am leaving in 15 minutes.”  Your child runs to the room and begins cleaning, something that should of taken a couple hours to do properly and expects to be done in 15 minutes.  At 12:50 you check the room, and obviously it isn’t clean.  You state you are leaving and will be home later.  Then it starts, the pouting, the whining, the you don’t love mes, and I don’t like you Mom. I want to go live somewhere else. Your heart hurts and you go to your room and cry.  You dont even want to go to your appointment anymore, and you feel hopeless.  Stop. Rewind, Unwind, Take a minute…

Scenario 2: Your teenager ignores you each time you remind them they haven’t done their chores yet.  Each time you check, they are on the computer.  You remind them again, this time stating since the computer is keeping them from doing their chores, they will not be using it for awhile.  Again you are ignored.  You go and get the computer and put it away.  Your teenager yells at you and tells you how you don’t let her have anything or do anything so she needs the computer, because it is the only way she can talk to her friends.  Then you remind her again that the computer is keeping her from doing her chores and when she does them she can have it back.  She continues to cry and tell you how she thinks you don’t care about her.  You grow frustrated and irritated.  Your heart hurts because you love this Person more than life.  You feel overwhelmed and angry.  Stop.  Breathe a minute.  Rewind.  Unwind.

What you have just witnessed are two typical children.  You are not a bad parent.  You just need to look at these situations on the level of the child.  First address within your self the feelings of hopelessness, anger and frustration.  Where do they come from?  Deal with this and bring your self to a place of love. When you are calm, go back and talk in a soft voice.  Tell your teenager that you do care about how she is feeling and ask her why she feels you don’t?  She tells you, you wont let me talk to my friends.  You tell her you never said she couldnt talk to her friends, but you did say, she cannot have the computer until her chores are done.  She says but I cant talk to my boyfriend and he may be moving soon.  Now you have a real heart issue to work from.  You recognize she is fearful her boyfriend will be moving and she will never get to talk to him again. So you say, honey I am sorry you are hurting and I understand you wanting to speak to him as often as possible, but I never said you could not talk to him.  You have a telephone.  Then she tells you she is really tired of everyone telling her she is always doing something wrong.  You say, honey who is telling you that?  Well, everyone is always saying we make them sick, and that I shouldn’t have a boyfriend and I don’t even want to go anywhere because people wont leave me alone.  You say, “Im sorry, What I did say is when you are done with your chores you may have your computer.”  You hug her and say, you understand how she is feeling and you love her and you will help her work through whatever comes up.  You tell her to be confident that you stand behind her and trust her.  She says she is sorry for being mad at you and that she loves you.  You have dealt with a deeper issue and on the heart level.  Her mind is no longer full of fear about not speaking with her boyfriend and you hear her doing her chores.  She comes back later and apol0gizes for the things she said to you.  Deep breathe-you are not a parenting failure and your child isnt dishonoring you.  She loves you-she just needed reassurance at the heart level she was ok.  Love and understanding has dispelled fear and confusion.

Back to Scenerio 1:  You go back to your child’s room.  She is still upset and the room still isn’t clean.  You, using a calm voice say,  “honey you waited until it was time to go to get started on your room.  Your were told early this morning to get started and were warned about the consequences.”  Your child says, “Mom, I couldn’t get started this morning.  I had to finish the picture I was drawing.  You ask her to get the picture.  She brings you a picture of her and you in your home baking cookies.  You ask her to tell you about the picture and she tells you that you and she our staying home and baking cookies together.  You tell her, “Mom has been very busy lately hasn’t she?  You want to do something together don’t you?”  She nods and smiles at you and hugs you tight. You tell her, “I tell you what.  Lets go to the appointment and when we get back I will help you organize your things.  While you are cleaning your room, I will get my work done, and then we can spend some time making cookies together.”  Your child has not yet learned how to tell you how she is feeling about you being so busy.  So she drew a picture to show you she was needing time with you-her intention wasn’t to first disobey, but to express her heart about missing you.  You now understand this.  You give her the time she is needing and find you have been needing it too.  Love has overtaken loneliness and the feeling of abandonment.

Every situation is different.  Kids think concretely and what seems like-illogically, especially when they are afraid, or confused.  They are acting out something they cannot necessarily say with their words.  Parent from the heart, see what is taking place all around the situation and not just what is obvious to the eye.  Dig deeper, and empathize with your child.  Work together to find solutions.  Children should be obedient at times – no questions asked, but parenting isn’t a dictatorship.  Listen at the heart level for their motive and intentions.  They are not always full of rebellion, just learning to grow as you are.  They need you to help them turn their feeling into words and to express them appropriately.  Stop.  Rewind, Unwind.  Begin again.  Parent from the heart.

Proverbs 20:5  Counsel in the heart of man is like water in a deep well, but a man of understanding draws it out.


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